Friday, September 17, 2010

I.P. Freely has left the building

Image from the American College of Veterinary Surgeons-
not demonstrative of the actual quantity removed from my poor Jasper Jules. 
So here's the thing—it turns out that whoever invented goat penises was really not thinking. Without traumatizing you with all the gory details, I'll tell you this: My Jasper Jules found himself, on Wednesday evening, unable to pee. He stretched, he pushed, he strained, he worked—he stood parked like a Tennessee Walker for some duration—and eventually, without a drop, he conceded failure. "Maaaaaa!" he cried. "Maaaaaa! Take me to the vet, Ma!" It was after hours, of course. What veterinary emergency isn't?

It turns out (men and geldings, you might want to close your eyes for this) that the solution to a blocked urethra in goats is to fish about in the sheath with forceps; to to forcibly rend the penis out of the body; and to rip the end off. This happened, thankfully, while Jasper was under heavy sedation. Even more thankfully, it happened when I was miles away, holding vigil at home.

Jasper's blockage—a handful of copper-colored BBs, manufactured in his bladder of all places—was cleared, and he has been peeing a sad and steady stream ever since. Now, JJ, let me tell you: these little pebbles you make, they're very pretty. It's quite a skill, really. But making them in your BLADDER? What, my dear, were you thinking? There is only one exit from its confines, and it's not quite as generous an exit as you might hope.

Now, FarmWife says we need to make JJ eat loads of salt that he might drink loads of water and end up with diluted, and less mineralized, urine. I say she should give him root beer floats and mango lassis, Shirley Temples and peach smoothies. Humans—if you want we livestock to drink more, you need to rethink your whole approach.

Now, I haven't forgotten the "How Well do you know Fenway Bartholomule" quiz, and I thank you for your participation! Results to be revealed on Monday, after a busy and hectic weekend. You may hear from me before then, pending FarmWife's availability, but until you do—bray for Jasper's full recovery, and ears to you.



  1. Oh poor Jasper Jules - glad he is getting back to normal!

    Your fren,

  2. Oh my, if only good thoughts could help Jasper... and FarmWife too!


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