Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Fenway's Guide to Common Fruits, Grains, Vegetables and Legumes.

Carrots: Nature's miracle. Perfect crunch, delicate sweetness, lacy green tops of tender fragrant goodness.

Strawberries: Passable morsels. Great size, lousy texture. Wet, a bit tart. Will do in a pinch.

Apples: Suspiciously waxy. Unpleasant in appearance. Usually pink or red in the manner of a sunburned pig.

Plums: Acceptable. Excellent flavor, easily extracted pits. I am cute when I spit these out. FarmWife and I harvest plums together—I stand under the trees, she stands on tip-toe upon my hips and reaches for the fruits. I am obliged to eat by the extent of her labor.

Blackberries: Delicious. The great flavor more than makes up for their smallness and their damp consistency. Lousy cooked.

Alfalfa: The holy grail of foods. I am denied it. They say it is for hard-keepers, a demographic of which I am clearly not a member. A tragedy.

Omelene: Again, off-limits. It is a toothsome brown substance composed of little itty-bitty chunks of heaven rolled in some nectar of the gods.

Black oil sunflower seeds—very good. The yummiest black food I can think of, drier than blackberries and vastly superior to that terrible poison the humans call licorice.

Beets, parsnips, cabbage, broccoli, bush beans: not worth a taste. I can tell that I hate them already.

Lettuce, celery: about as yummy as last year's grass hay; that is, edible in a pinch.

Pop-tarts: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!♪ (That's a heavenly choir singing.) The pinnacle of human invention. They cannot be unpackaged without opposable thumbs. These clever primates think of everything!

Bon app├ętit,



  1. Haven't given our equine any Pop Tarts, he thinks nature Valley granola bars are heavenly. Very worth climbing into the trailer for.

  2. HHM Mr. Blondie is not fond of strawberries, either.

  3. I had a pony when I was little who really enjoyed a plain cider doughnut every now and then, but she had an even more, uh...rubinesque...appearance than you Fenway!

  4. Fenway, do you get to explore different beverages as well? My thoughts on beverages are:

    1) Gatorade: Comes in different colors. I like them all, especially on a hot Texas summer day.

    2) Ice Tea: Tastes like water that's been contaminated by soaking last years hay in it. Maybe, just maybe if my peeps would put sugar in it I would like it.

    3) Big Red: This is a soda named after me. It is so sweet just like me. I wish I could have it every day.

    4) Mountain Dew: Another delicious soda but I'm not allowed to have much of it. The peeps mention something about too much caffeine.

    5) Guinness: Another delicious beverage despite the fact that it's not sweet at all. Somehow humans have managed to create a beverage that is a smooth creamy liquid version of omolene. Again, I'm not allowed to have this very often. Something about alcohol.

  5. Wonderful, Fenway!
    Made me a bit jealous - I haven't sampled a few of those things, but I have to add:

    Graham Crackers: Munchy and sweet - worth standing near the somewhat nerve-wracking campfire for.

    Marshmallows: Dusty, mushy and sticky - I take them politely to avoid hurting feelings, but turn my head and spit them out when I can do so discretely.
    Keep up the good work, Fenway!



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