Thursday, June 10, 2010

Four Versions of the Ear Story.

Appearing below are four possible explanations for the nick in my right ear. Please read and savor these tales of self-sacrifice and mulish derring-do, and vote for your favorite. The winner will win a Fenway Bartholomule "Half Ass and Proud of It" bumper sticker as well as our undying appreciation for his or her participation in this exciting contest!


A) To Save Barbela, by Dunie O'Neil

Once upon a time, in what seems like an eternity ago, Fenway lived on a dirt patch of a farm run by an uncaring, heartless ogre named Mackie Avelli. His aim was to give mule rides on Fenway to those individuals weighing 300 pounds or more; in fact, he decided to hold a contest to determine the very fattest person that Fenway could hold. The obese lined up for miles, as the winner of the contest got to ride Fenway every day for a year; the entry fee for the contest was $1,000 per fatty. To add to the fun, he decided not to feed Fenway for 3 days before the event so FB would be even more challenged!
The ogre was so mean that he didn't feed any other of his animals for 3 days either so they would be too weak to come out and interrupt the contest.
Fenway's favorite kitty friend, Barbela, was pregnant and unable to go without further sustenance. Fenway wanted so to help her, but he was too weak to go forth on a food quest and had none of his own to share. In desperation, Fenway, at great peril to his well-being, offered to let Barbie feast on a weenie piece of the tip of his ear. At first, she was reluctant, as she didn't wish to give Fenway an earache, but FB insisted that she had to consider her yet-unborn little ones, and desperate times call for desperate measures. He braced himself for the pain to come, and just as the little, sharp kitty teeth separated him from a tiny earlet, the kitty was magically transformed into a resplendent Fairy Godmother( with uncannily large ears) who was there to reward Fenway for his selfless generosity!
She offered to grant him the same old three wishes of storybook fame.
Can you guess what the valiant Fenway wished for and received? Well, dear readers, I shall tell you:
1)THE AMAZINGLY CARING & TALENTED FARMWIFE with whom to share his mule-love
2)Cute little helmeted larvae to play with
3)An endless supply of yummie treats proving the endless devotion of his family (not too shabby for the tummy either).
And to this day, beloved Fenway fans, when our hero has a request that is not immediately fulfilled, you can see him out in his pasture standing on three legs, with his fourth hoof in the air, pointing at his famously heroic ear!!!!!

B) Ear of the Rising Sun, by Little Big Red

There is a place in New Orleans
They call the Rising Sun
And it's been the ruin of many a mule ear
And God I now have one

My mother was a sweet mare
She passed on perfect genes
My father was a bad ass
Down in New Orleans

Now the only thing a mule needs
Is to have a little fun
So I headed out for some nightlife
To the place called the Rising Sun

Oh mother tell your children
Not to do what I have done
Had my ear pierced at the parlor
Next door to the Rising Sun

Well, I was standing on the sidewalk
With one hoof on the street
A drunken mule tripped over me
And my earring was ripped out neat

Well, there is a house in New Orleans
They call the Rising Sun
And it's been the ruin of many a mule ear
And God I now have one

C) Special Delivery, by Sian

I'm not very good at writing, Fenway, like Farmwife is. I hope this will pass for a story though, because I do know what happened to your ear. It was the Stork that did it, remember him? Probably not, you were very small.

One magical night a very special mare was about to have a very special baby. She couldn't wait for him to arrive, she knew he would be the sweetest and smartest foal in the pasture that spring. She had readied her shed with clean straw and paced restlessly back and forth. This was the date the baby was to arrive, she felt sure of it, she couldn't have forgotten. But the stars wheeled by above, the spring peepers sang by the brook and all stayed very still. The only other sound was the breeze in the willow tree.

Suddenly, finally, a flapping of large wings could be heard! Then the awkward sound of bending branches in the willow and slapping, sliding leaves. Could it be? The mare rushed to the fence. The moon was just bright enough to show an elderly and dilapidated gentleman Stork settling down through the tree, very carefully as he was frail and stiff. He carried an impossibly large burden as well but he treated it with the utmost care and gentleness. "I think I have what you are expecting, Lady," he said to the mare in the pen. He carefully carried the burden to her bed of straw and revealed the foal. "We had a difficult journey and he'll need your care now. I nearly lost him coming over the Columbia and I had to grab his ear quick or he'd have been a goner, sure." He indicated an ear tip with a trickle of bright blood glinting in the moonlight. The baby made not a sound as the mare licked it clean and then cleaned and warmed him all over with her tongue. He was home and safe and he nuzzled his dam with affection and relief. "He's a good one, Lady," said the Stork, "and very special. The One Above said he had to get here today, no waiting, He had promised you. I was the only one left to bring him but glad of it, that I am." The Stork rested a while and drank from the brook. Then he leaned on the fence and just watched the mare and her new baby. New life is something you never tire of seeing, he thought to himself, even after all these years. Hard work it was, but seeing the love, the joy and wonder made it all worth while. The moon revealed a tear in his eye as he rose into the air for the journey back and a lump in his throat slowed his wings as he circled above for a last glimpse of the last baby he would deliver.

D) Double Ear 7, by Gaylene:

What happened to his beautiful mule ear, you ask? Was it an arrow injury from his career as a Mule Express mail carrier? Was it a lasting memento from his sword fighting days? No my friends, it is something far more sinister indeed. I shall tell you now, but you must not tell anyone else, as his life may still be in danger. You see, you think his name is Fenway Bartholomule, but that is simply a cover. He is actually Double Ear 7, Special Mule Agent. Read on and you will understand.
Not long ago, a mule hating, angry, greedy evil bunny named Mr. Gnomes sought the destruction of all beautiful, shiny mule life on the earth. While he possessed long ears, he was jealous of all of the shine and glory and trail rides garnered by mules. Mr. Gnomes and his henchmen created robotic locusts that were about to be turned loose on all of the delicious hay crops……that was until Agent Double Ear 7 was called into action by Her Royal Mule Service.
“Double Ear 7, at your service.”
“Oh, Double Ear 7, it’s up to you. All of our military’s attempts to wipe out Mr. Gnomes and his henchmen have failed. If you cannot stop his evil attack of the hay crops, all equine life will be in danger.”
Double Mule 7 and his small donkey assistant Miss Assalot snuck into the cave inhabited by Mr. Gnomes and his henchmen. This particular cave had been blasted into the side of a nearly sheer cliff and had only one steep treacherous trail leading up to it and a rabbit hole at the bottom. Mr. Gnomes had painted dangerous, evil mule eating lines onto the trail, thus keeping all previous mules at bay, but he hadn’t counted on the brave, selfless Double Ear 7 and his assistant Miss Assalot.
“Muwahahahaaaaaa,” laughed Mr. Gnomes. “These robotic locusts will eat all of the delectable hay and then no long eared creatures alive will be more beautiful than me.” “I can hardly wait to watch those mules starve. They think they are so great with their shiny coats and neat manure piles….I’ll show them a thing or two…muwahahahaha…..”
Double Ear 7 and Miss Assalot were listening at the bottom of the trail, the voices travelling down the rabbit hole. The evil intent was clear to them, as was their dangerous, selfless, possibly deadly task. “Miss Assalot, I cannot risk your life, I will not ask you to fight the mule (and donkey, by the way) eating lines. You stay down here and warn me if the bunnies are coming.” “But Double Ear 7, if you don’t survive, I don’t….. want…… to….. live…... I must come,” responded Miss Assalot. “No, I need you to stay here, now please, do as I say.” And so, Double Ear 7 headed up the treacherous line wielding trail on his own. A feat never attempted by a lone mule without a FarmWife or donkey to assist.
Double Ear 7 began his brave assent. The steep and treacherous terrain was of no consequence, but one must always keep an eye on the dangerous mule (and donkey) eating lines. They weaved and wandered up the trail, but Double Ear 7 never wavered. He put one brave mule foot in front of another dodging from side to side, hopping as necessary to avoid being snaked around and devoured by the painted monsters. As he approached the opening of Mr. Gnomes's cave he heard a loud braying from below. “Oh no, the bunnies are about to release the robotic locust and then all will be lost!!!!” Never fear Double Ear7 to the rescue. He used his robust vocal cords and let out a loud, “Brayyhhhssscccreeeeaaaammmm" falsetto simultaneously interrupting the transmitters of the robotic locust, causing them to crash to the floor of the cave rendering them useless AND deafening the small creatures with the large ears. All of the henchmen were permanently deafened, but Mr. Gnomes was not. He had a loud reverberating mule scream echoing in his brain causing insanity. He jumped out of the cave opening, and almost fell off the side of the cliff but grabbed with his bunny buck teeth the first thing of consequence that he came upon. That my friends, was Double Ear 7’s beautiful mule ear. Double Ear 7 knew what he had to do and risking ear and limb, he swung his head around violently, causing Mr. Gnomes to careen off the mountain, never to be heard from again. Mr. Gnomes did however leave a permanent mark on Double Ear 7.
Now you know that although he goes by the name of Fenway Bartholomule, fearless companion of FarmWife, toter of larval children and consumer of yummy treats and flakes of hay, he is actually Double Ear 7, Special Mule Agent extraordinaire, loved by equines everywhere. Who knows what his next ear raising adventure may be?


  1. They are all great stories - I like the House of the Rising Run and the Double Ear 7 - too bad we can't vote for two.


Thanks in Advance for Your Mulish Opinion!