Thursday, February 25, 2010

Fenway Bartholomule's Other Best Hybrids

Ligers are bigger than lions or tigers, and mules carry more than their fathers or mothers. It is a fact that the world is just full of examples of how all these new hybrids rule. 

OK, enough with the loose rhymes. My point is this: there are a million wonderful things you can do with hybridization. You humans have tapped into something huge here, and it doesn't end with my mulishly tremendous stamina, the Prius's better fuel efficiency, or the long term storage potential of Elepano rice. 

Think of the potential! Scientists have recently discovered the existance of the wild squirrelocerous, which is easily domesticated and better than a locksmith for battering its way into small spaces. Lock your keys in the car? No problem! Let this little fella loose on your ride and he will pry his way in and scurry them right back to you in no time! 

For you apartment dwellers, there's now a way to bring the Savannah home to your living room. Always admired the strength, character, and robust vigor of the hippopotamus? Try the hippofrogamus, a pocket-sized version of everyone's favorite wallower. 

If you're wondering what to bring to your next vegetarian potluck, stay away from the handsome rhinocermelon. He's not as juicy as he looks, and almost impossible to breed in captivity due to the female watermelon's disinterest in sex.

Forget cockapoos. If you have allergies to doggie dander but can't escape the irrisistable charm of those puppy dog eyes, the chihuahuadoodledoo is the ideal pet for you.

If bird dander ruffles your feathers, too, you might be safer going with the dalmatiapillar. Guaranteed hypoallergenic, these lovely pets will satisfy your social cravings for up to six weeks before metamorphosing into a normal papillon. 

Now, fuel-efficient vehicles aside, I recommend letting nature have the final say in any genetic experiment. As long as the BLM continues to report the existance of wild mules on the western ranges, I will support jacks rights to cover mares, and as long as chihuahuadoodledoos continue to emerge, wide eyed and wondering, from the jungles of the South American continent, I will support their conscientious breeding. Forget genetically modified tomatoes, folks. Hybridization is the way to go. 

Fenway Bartholomule

Image credits: from top

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