Wednesday, January 6, 2010

How to Get A Mule Like Me

link to pictured mule

Dear Readers,

There are more nice mules on than ever before, and I know that this is because the universe is conspiring to get YOU a mule of your own. With exception to Katie Scarlett, Surprise, and Maisy, I am not sure that there are enough mules in my audience to satisfy all of my readers' longear needs.

Shopping on Dreamhorse is all well and good, but even with the plentitude of mules listed, I don't know if there are enough great ones for ALL of my 129 fans, so I have thought of another way.

First, check Dreamhorse. You might find a nice mule like this one, who would be prettier in brown, or this one, who deserves a rider who knows that one does not place 85% of the foot in the stirrup  under normal circumstances. If you live in Washington, you should go get both of them today!

Second, broaden your search to include quality horse mares. You might end up choosing someone like this, who's got looks and mad skilz. Then, you search the world over for a donkey jack who deserves her. You will probably spend less on the stud fee than on the mare, especially if you buy thi$ mare that I already recommended.

Breed the two, wait 11 and a half months (yes, mules take longer than horses to cook because they are harder and more important to make), and Voila! A baby.


If you truly want a mule like me, you must then assess the baby. Does it display perfect symmetry, with possible exception to it's nostrils? (I have one horse nostril and one donkey nostril, which tends more towards the endearing than the grotesque.) Does it combine strength and grace in every feature? Does it exude class from every pore, and demonstrate elegance in every motion? Does it understand the importance of frequent meals and energy conservation? Does it grok the true meaning of Rest and Relaxation?

Once you are sure you have a very likely candidate, you must raise it right. This means exposing it to all sorts of challenges . . . slopes to summit, rivers to ford, threats to bypass, and snacks to root out and devour. Do not expose it to the Evil Lines on the road, unless you want your very good mule baby swallowed into hellfire before you even get to ride it.

If you successfully raise a beautiful, athletic, intelligent, level-headed mule to adulthood you may ride it without any further fuss. Do not worry about sophisticated, advanced training; if your mule is just like me, he will do just fine without any careful attention to the establishment of communicative aids. He will read your mind, though he might not always read your direct rein.

I hope you enjoy the new mule that you will have if you follow my instructions. You're welcome!

Love, Fenway

P.S. Once you have your mule, you must give the relationship tender loving care by following these guidelines: Always meet him with a snack; never force him to work beyond his fitness level; never force him to work within two hours of a meal; never forget his daily ear rub; use a rubber bit or hackamore unless you want to spend half the day warming cold steel before a winter ride; never underestimate his intelligence, emotional sophistication, or appetite; and don't let your mule establish a website of his own unless he promises not to steal my customers.

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Thanks in Advance for Your Mulish Opinion!